WWE cookbooks aren’t necessarily a new thing.
Jim Ross published one during his WWE days. And during the Attitude Era, the company published recipes from some of their wrestlers. That were in no way plucked from OTHER people and attributed to WWE superstars.
But WWE cookbooks found their way back into the news. Renee Young teased Twitter with a big announcement last week. And, because internet, speculation ran rampant. Was she returning to the Raw commentary team? Did the company’s “response” to her contracting COVID-19 end up being the last straw? Nope. It’s a cookbook.
So our crack staff, including spies at WWE headquarters in Stamford (yeah, not really), did some digging. And there are tons of unpublished WWE cookbooks just waiting for our ridicule.
Bear in mind, the following list of WWE cookbooks is fake. Also bear in mind that if they were real, they’d be pretty close.
Raw Meat – How To Conquer The Steak, By Brock Lesnar (With Paul Heyman)
And we kick off our list of buried WWE cookbooks with the Beast. In Raw Meat – How To Conquer The Steak, Brock Lesnar guides us on a culinary journey. And a biologically unsafe route to getting your protein.
Here’s an interesting recipe for ‘Brock’s Chicken Breast Incarnate’:
First Step – Break the chicken’s neck in plain view of both its children and yours.
Second Step – Eat, sleep, conquer the beak.
Third Step – Have this meal only 14 times per year, because that’s as frequent as your contract says you HAVE to have it. Eat this meal more frequently if ratings start to dip. But charge an arm and a leg for it. Then eat that arm and leg.
And the rest of the book kinda goes on like that. In fact, every recipe involves killing an animal and just immediately eating it. Something tells me that Brock’s eventual autobiography will read pretty much the same some day.
Show Off That Mayo – 1,000 Uses For Mayonaise And Other Lame Recipes, By Dolph Ziggler
So the Show-Off has been around WWE for about 300 years. At least that’s how it feels. Which makes it no surprise that his was among the many discarded WWE cookbooks we found laying around the WWE warehouse.
Like Dolph itself, it’s pretty tame. All of the recipes are pretty good, but you forget about them almost immediately afterward. And most of them seem like they were written to impress Shawn Michaels. Jeeze, is there ANYTHING Dolph won’t do for HBK’s love?
Settle in, cowpokes! Here’s Dolph’s spur-janglin’ recipe for some fantastic mayo-infused sliders!
First, you’ll want to take about three pounds of ground beef and break it up into patties. Take about a teaspoon of mayo and ball it up into the patties. Shawn, I watched Survivor Series 1996 the other day on the Network. The way that crowd turned on you against Sid was NOT cool. And Vince was totally justified in taking an entire segment on Raw the next night to build you back up. Stupid smart fans. I can’t believe they were still on you about the Curtain Call!
Once mixed, add in just a pinch of salt. Salty. That’s what everyone was on you, Shawn. They were all jealous! And I don’t believe for a second that Taker would’ve beaten you up if you hadn’t jobbed to Austin at WrestleMania XIV.
Now grill to perfection, and you’re guaranteed never to lose your smile! Shawn, every superkick is for you, man. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
Why Are You Buying This? It’s Fake, By Ronda Rousey
Ronda Rousey’s time in WWE was kind of a mixed bag. She was a much-needed shot in the arm for the women’s division. But she started to rub fans the wrong way when she, as Jim Cornette might call it, started to “expose the business.”
Around the time of WrestleMania 35, Rousey started openly mocking fans on social media. Basically calling them marks and chastising them for being passionate about pre-determined sports. None of the other WWE cookbooks on this list go nearly as far as Rousey’s when it comes to breaking kayfabe.
Bring the bone broth to a high boil. Then add one cup chopped celery.
By the way, you know I’m getting, like, a 15% cut of the sale of this book, right? And I don’t even care if you enjoy the food. These aren’t even my recipes. Some guy who works in catering at WWE headquarters wrote these up. Oh, and all of you who think WWE headquarters is this awesome, state-of-the-art facility? It’s just an office building. The only cool thing is the dinosaur skull in Vince’s office.
Oh, and if you think the dinosaur skull is cool? Guess what? It’s FAKE. Mark.
Right, the chopped celery. I’ll tell you what you can do with the chopped celery.
And the book just kind of ends there. Not the most fan-friendly of WWE cookbooks.
Phenominal Phood Phor The Whole Phamily, By AJ Styles
This is a weird one. WWE was clearly way into the phonetic ring of “Phenomenal Forearm” when AJ Styles debuted. And they were apparently ready to run with it. But, as shown in this strangest of WWE cookbooks, it seems like they were ready to do a 90s throwback thing. Whimsical misspellings.
Here’s just one example of the Phenomenal One’s culinary endeavors.
Phirst, phlay the phish butterphly style. It’s very important that the phish spend no more than a phew minutes over the open phlame before adding the spices.
Hold over the phlame for phive minutes. Let cool for about phifteen minutes. Phinfally, the philet of phish is ready! A meal phit for a Phenomenal Phamily!
Our sources tell us this is completely unedited. And that AJ Styles may, in fact, be absolutely insane. You guys hear he’s a flat-earther? Anyway.
YOU’RE FLAME-BROILED! By World-Renowned Chef And Creative Genius Vince McMahon
And now we come to the granddaddy of them all. For years, we’ve wondered what a book written by Vince McMahon would be like.
But it turns out, it’s not a biography. However, it’s probably as close as we’ll get to a peek into the mind of McMadness. It’s mostly stream-of-consciousness insanity, and it’s definitely the most unique of all WWE cookbooks.
It’s steak. AND IT’S RAW! RAW AND UNCENSORED!
Cook it until it’s black! Then BURY IT in ketchup! Wait. Are you dictating this correctly? Read the last line back to me. NO, there’s no WAY I possibly said that! ERASE IT ALL AND START OVER! What do you mean I already published this recipe 20 years ago? IT’S STILL FRESH, DAMMIT!
And are you typing on a newfangled laptop computer? I’ve made it clear a million times, but I guess I have to spell it out again! My diction is to be captured only by a Commodore 64! And if you can’t find one, a Smith-Corona Word Processor! Who the hell is George R.R. Martin? I don’t give a damn what he uses to write, and I don’t give a damn who he is! YOU’RE PHIRED!
Obviously, none of these WWE cookbooks are available at shop.wwe.com. For one thing, they aren’t real. And for another, if they were, WWE would’ve worked a lot harder to get them buried.
Then again, these aren’t half as crazy or poorly-thought-out as most of what we see on Raw or SmackDown.
All images courtesy of WWE.