In honor of the release of the new live action film, Pokemon: Detective Pikachu, we’ve sat down and pored over all 809 (and climbing all the time) Pokemon suspects to find the five most likely to commit a crime. Sure, they may look all cute and friendly, but some Pokemon have a dark side, and whether you are familiar or not, it’s easy to see that some Pokemon are less pocket and more monster.
This list is constructed with an adult mindset, so if Pokemon have ruled your childhood, and you can name all 800-plus pokes, along with their types and weaknesses, you might want to stop reading. The last thing we want to do is to ruin your childhood. But if you are still reading, let’s get started, as Detective Pikachu has cases that need solving and these could be the culprits.
Crime: Disturbing the Peace
Look at this guy; he’s literally a living speaker and subwoofer with feet. Loudred may be a normal type Pokemon, but he can’t make a peep without it sounding like a rave at 1:30 a.m on a Saturday night/Sunday morning. Just by existing and living his day-to-day life, the noise this Pokemon suspect makes causes people to call the cops.
Crime: Public Intoxication
This normal type Pokemon may look cute and cuddly, but it can’t touch his finger to his nose, and he certainly can’t walk a straight line. Was Spinda at the rave popping Mollys while Loudred was disturbing the peace? Was he tapping into Professor Oak’s liquor cabinet? Who knows, but one thing is for sure: he’s not gonna pass a sobriety test, and we would all be safer if this Pokemon suspect would be taken to jail to “sleep it off.”
Honchkrow wants his money, and the b!%¢# better have his money. Yes, we are calling this dark/flying Pokemon a pimp. With his feathered, wide brimmed hat and his puffed out chest and flashy demeanor, and his feathered hand that’s perfect for slapping, this Pokemon suspect knows how to strut his stuff, and his stable knows who’s the boss. Just don’t cross him or you’ll get the slap.
Crime: Possession of an Illegal Substance
Yup, you guessed it: Nosepass has a problem with the nose candy. Just look at that proboscis. We’re pretty sure he snorts a few thousand dollars every day. And this rock type Pokemon gets worse when he evolves, as Probopass looks like he can snort even more of the magic powder. Word is, Nosepass was in Hollywood throwing a “party” and that’s how the new Ryan Reynolds film got made. Cocaine still rules Tinseltown, and Nosepass is the Pokemon suspect you want to know, and is definitely the guy you want to party with. *sniff*
Crime: Identity Theft
This one is a no-brainer. This normal type Pokemon can assume the shape and characteristics of anyone it meets. He gets through life impersonating other Pokemon, even gaining their moves when he transforms. How easy would it be for this guy to assume your identity? Right now, as you read this, a Ditto dressed like you could be buying expensive stereo equipment at Best Buy with a credit card he opened in your name. No one would know the difference. Ditto might be the worst offender of them all. Also, you might want to call your bank.
There you have it; the five Pokemon most likely to commit a crime. And in case you’re wondering, why yes, we do feel bad about compiling this list. But we’re victims here too. We didn’t design these guys, and they for sure have the motive to do bad things, and not even a wise-cracking Pikachu in a Sherlock Holmes-styled deer-stalker cap — who sounds amazingly like Deadpool — can stop them. Maybe we’re just bad guys too.
Or maybe I’m a Ditto. You’ll never know.
Pokemon: Detective Pikachu is rated PG and is in theaters now. Also, we are running a Detective Pikachu contest right now, so be sure to click to enter to win one of two awesome prize packs.
Featured image courtesy of Warner Bros. All other images courtesy of Nintendo.